Hi!!!! Recently, I was listening to this song and it reminded of Abel. Here are the lyrics
Not Like the Other Girls by Rasmus
No more blame I am destined to keep you sane Gotta rescue the flame Gotta rescue the flame Gotta rescue the flame in your heart
No more blood, I will be there for you my love I will stand by your side The world has forsaken my girl
Should have seen it would be this way Should have known from the start what she's up to When you've loved and you've lost someone You know what it feels like to lose
She's fading away Away from this world Drifting like a feather She's not like the other girls She lives in the clouds And talks to the birds Hopeless little one She's not like the other girls I know
No more shame, she has felt too much pain, in her life In her mind she's repeating the words All the love you put out will return to you
Should have seen it would be this way Should have known from the start what she's up to When you've loved and you've lost someone close to you
you know what it's like to lose
Have you ever heard a song make you remember someone or something? If so what song was it and who or what was it about? Oh and hears another song that reminds me or my life
Until it Sleeps by Metallica Where do I take this PAIN of mine I RUN but it stays right by my side
So TEAR me open and pour me out There's things inside that scream and shout And the pain still hates me So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray You FEED it once and now it stays Now it stays
So tear me open but beware There's things inside without a care And the dirt still STAINS me So wash me until I'm CLEAN
It grips you so hold me It stains you so hold me It hates you so hold me It holds you so hold me Until it sleeps
So tell me why you've chosen me Don't want your grip, don't want your GREED Don't want it
I'll tear me open make you gone NO LONGER CAN YOU HURT ANYONE And the FEAR still shakes me So hold me, until it sleeps
It grips you so hold me It stains you so hold me It hates you so hold me It holds you, holds you, holds you until it sleeps (x4)
I don't want it, I don't want it, want it, want it, want it, want it, noo..
So tear me open but BEWEAR There's things inside without a care And the dirt still stains me So wash me 'till I'm clean
I'll tear me open make you gone No longer will you hurt anyone And the hate still SHAMES me So hold me I love this song....
Harold recently got internet back at the house so I've been going on the computer.(Duh!) I've been looking up Pro Ana and Mia sites because I'm alittle confussed about what I'm going through. I looked up all the horriable effects of eating disorders and it scares the shit out of me. The people on these pro sites say it's a life style while others say it's a disese. I say it depends on the person, but for the most part, it's not a dises. If anything it's a disorder. All these people are doing is refuseing to conform to "Normal" eating standards, They are not "in order" with what and how they eat, hence makeing it a disorder.
People with this disorder don't just wake up one morning weighting 87 pounds and decideing not to eat. It's a choice. The choices that one makes on a daily bases is what makes a 'life style'. So if I chose to take diet pills, drink A LOT of water and consume 800 calories a day, everyday, that's apart of how I live my life makeing it apart of my lifestyle. Personally, I don't think that if I followed this diet that it wouldn't be apart of my life stle for verry long.
There's a few things that I did or that I currently do to make me think that I may have a slight problem.
Befor I got pregnant with my son, I was 15 years old, 5'7 and about 170 pounds. My BMI would tell you that I'm "at risk" of becomming over-weight, when I knew that I was chubby. I was on a cocktail of anti-depressants and birth controll pills back then. When I got pregnant, I had to stop takeing all those pills and I did fine with out them. Three days befor giveing birth to Jonah, I weighed 189 pounds. That's the heaviest I've ever been in my life. After I had him, I tried to breast-feed and I did for about two weeks.
While I was still in the hospital with Jonah, I was expearencing excurciating pain in my abdomin. The doctors soon relized that I had gall stones and told me that I had to get my gall bladder removed in 4 months. durring those four months, a lot of food would hurt my belly or at least I thought it would, so I didn't eat much. I lost a lot of weight. By the time I had to get my surgery, I weighed 149. So, in about 18 weeks I had lost 40 pounds. When I relized this, I didn't want to get my gall bladder removed. Not only was I loseing a lot of weight in a short period of time, this was my first suregy and I was scared. I practicly begged for her to send me home, but she didn't and I got it done anyways.
Luckily for me, I continued to lose weight, but not as fast. From July 15 to October 13, 2009 I had lost 18 more pounds. Then I got put in the hospital for acting retarted and I gained 6 pounds in nearly three weeks and then I got out. I went to live with Harold. I eat what I want, when I want and how much. I can go work out anytime I want (as long as I don't run away) and when I get money, I can get whatever I want. I useally get make-up or weight loss pills.
I have Abel in my head, who screams at me when I don't run faster than the others in Gym class.(even though I do) Who tells me to 'embrace the high' when my arms and legs get numb or when I get light headed after running. She tells me that it's okay to be pale and cold ALL THE TIME. Every time I go to bed hungry, turn down my favorite foods (like pizza or cholate) or get a smaller number on the scale, she congradulates me and tells me to run the 'victory mile'. She likes to remind me of the starveing children in Africa and the price of food.
I don't think I have a disorder. She doesn't controll me life. I defie her all the time and I'm consittered a healthy weight but I can't help but to relate to these people. I don't know... What do you think???
WELL! It's currently 4:35 PM on Feburary 19, 2010 and, like always, I've been thinking. A whole hell of a lot has happend since I last updated my Xanga so I'm going to make this as short as possable. Well....*takes a deep breath* In October of 2009 I had cheated on Harold with a boy named Kyle. And being that I'm a horrable lyer, I eventually told Harold over the phone. Befor this happend I've was feeling pretty crappy about myself and this stressor (that I brought upon myself) only made it worse. At this point in my life I had lost all hope to live, nothing was good, I was barly eating or sleeping and I was cutting myself again. By October 15, 2009 I was hospitalized and on November second I went to live with Harold and his family in Lehighton.
Things in Lehighton have been (over-all) verry good. I'm now in high school and doing well. I'm still madly in love with Harold and I'm starting to feel okay with myself again. Unfortuatly I must leave, but I'll make an effort to keep them up-dates commin'!
I have a problem and that is that I'm insainly jealous. I broken up with Harold for no logical reason, only to get back with him two hours later. I don't know how to handle love. It just seems as if I'm incapable of being in love/ knowing that I'm loved and not messing it up. I thought I liked who I am, but if this is how I am, I want or more like NEED to change. I can not and will not go on living like this. Untill I change, I should not go out and try to make friends. I'm 17. I shouldn't be this socialy retarded. It's rather patheic. Anyway, this thing here apparently knows stuff about me, just by knowing my birthday! http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"> name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11">
Deep inside, you long to create something that will have a lasting impact on the world. Whether it is a political movement, a business, or a philosophy, you have a strong inner drive to manifest something of major importance.
Like the 11, yours is a Master Number, possessing all the intelligence, sensitivity, and electric creativity that such a power would suggest. You have the inventiveness of the 11 and the down-to-earth practicality of the 4. This combination can make you supremely capable of making your ambitions a reality.
The demands of this Heart's Desire are as enormous as its potential. What will be required from you to fulfill your noble ambitions is nothing less than a commitment of your entire being.
The path you have chosen is not an easy one. You need time to develop, and you are unlikely to begin to fulfill your ambitions until after you have reached a certain level of maturity.
Whether you know it or not, you possess great power within your being. You were born with this power in a latent state, but on some level you were aware of it. Early in life, this power manifested itself as an awkwardness and a discomfort inside of you. Your self image has always been one of contradictory extremes: on one hand you sensed your uniqueness and potential; on the other you may have felt insecure and perhaps even inferior.
This paradox has caused waves of self-doubt and lack of confidence. But it also is a powerful generator of energy that, when combined with the higher characteristics of the 22, can become a dynamic and unrelenting force. In order to channel such great power, you need a noble goal for which to aim.
You will probably try your hand at several different kinds of work before you rise to the challenge of your true ambitions.
You can be a great leader, inspiring and motivating with your vision and work ethic. Your ideas are so creative and superior that they inspire enthusiasm and sometimes even devotion among your co-workers.
You should be involved in large enterprises or governmental institutions. You have the organizational diplomatic skills sufficient to keep difficult and delicate projects on track.
Once you come into possession of your full power, there are many psychological and spiritual pitfalls to be faced. You can become arrogant and superior. You can become deluded into thinking that your judgment is beyond question, and that the advice and support of others is unnecessary. You may seek to control all power in a given enterprise. This dangerous and egocentric attitude is sometimes even extended to family members who you may seek to keep under your thumb.
Your challenge, once you have begun to use your true gifts, is to remain humble in the face of your significant accomplishments.
You perform best when your domestic foundation is stable and supportive; it is very important to have a partner who shares your dreams and has high degree of strength and independence to keep up with your drive.
Challenges somehow draw the best out of you. Your human qualities -- creativity, humility, understanding, and compassion -- increase with the level of your performance. Therefore, commitment to excellence is central to your success and inner development.
Now this is what they said about Harold, http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"> name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11">
Your overpowering need is to be independent and to direct your own life according to what you believe. Your dream is to become the leader of whatever field you enter. Whether it is in business, community, or in your general area of expertise, you are driven to be the reigning figure.
You have the courage and the confidence to lead others. You believe firmly that your judgment is preeminent over all others. This gives you the confidence to make bold decisions and carry them out, even when other lives are greatly affected by what you do. You rarely look back once you have made a decision.
You possess intelligence and wit. You are keenly insightful and are good at evaluating the abilities of others.
You are supremely individualistic. In your manner and dress, you like to project your own unique persona.
Consequently, you don't mind being controversial, and can even enjoy the attention and impact you have made on your surroundings.
You dislike routines, or anything that limits your freedom and independence.
Whenever you commit to something you truly love, you are absolutely tenacious in your ability to endure difficulties and overcome obstacles. You are highly responsible; you hate passing the buck. You possess remarkable willpower and a strong drive to succeed.
You are always looking for innovative ways of doing things.
Because you seek to be the boss in any endeavor, you have a tendency to dominate others. If you are not careful, especially in dealing with your subordinates and family, you may become ruthless in your decisions and behavior. You can also fall victim to impatience and intolerance, particularly if you grow conceited or superior.
You are the pioneer and the ground-breaker. You love the foreground, the hot-seat of responsibility. You have all the talents to succeed. As long as you maintain balance in your life, allowing others full expression of their thoughts and abilities, you will easily rise to the top of your chosen field and realize your ambitions. Yeah, that's so him. I love Harold.
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